How often do we hear people say that they never find anyone suitable to date? No matter how hard they try, regularly checking online dating sites, accepting invitations from friends, joining various groups they never seem to meet anyone with whom they really gel. Is there something else going on or are they really ready, available to date and simply unlucky in their quest?
If this is you, what needs to happen for you to make yourself available to date?
– Work can place many demands and distractions on our being available to date. Being tired, preoccupied or over committed can mean that we have little free time or energy to enthusiastically make the effort to look attractive and be receptive to someone else's charms. Preparing to meet someone new requires a certain amount of effort, time and money and there's not always much left over if we're immersed in business demands, deadlines and family preoccupations.
We may not even be sure how free we'll be to wholeheartedly pursue a new relationship in the coming weeks and months. Working long hours or being regularly away from home can put a dampener on our desire to date. We're already so busy that even thinking about the early days of a new relationship can feel like too much effort to bother. Yet building a business or career is often done with one eye on our future expectations, looking forward to settling with a partner, having a family, building a home together.
Taking care to find a better balance in life often incorporates a shift in mindset where we include all areas of life and make ourselves available to date.
– Friends know us well and may insist that they really want to see us settled and loved-up in a great new relationship, but is that really the case? Are you sure that deep down inside they're okay about the existing dynamics of your friendship changing, where your time and loyalty may begin to be influenced by the need to consider someone else?
You may notice a change in their behaviour as they start to need you more, or become negative or critical of any potential new suitor. Pay attention to that happening and try to discuss how you're both feeling. Provide reassurance that they'll always be important and determine to maintain regular contact, even if at times it has to be done by phone or online.
– Family can be an interesting one, especially if you're very close to your siblings or parents. Siblings may be jealous at the prospect of their brother or sister dating, especially if they've shared a lot, have perhaps helped each other through tough times, survived a breakup and spent many hours together sharing confidences and advice, checking in on a regular basis.
– Daughters and mums. Girls will often say that their mum is their best friend, they call each other every day, discuss everything. But there's a saying, give your children roots to grow and wings to fly. Some mothers struggle with letting go and are over-reliant on their daughters for companionship. They may be possessive, loathe to lose their intense closeness to a new third-party.
If a mother refuses to let go she can hi-jack the possibility of a burgeoning new relationship for her daughter. Often in a position of influence, she may always be present with money, treats, inside knowledge of which buttons to press. She may phone regularly, constantly available to help out and provide support at a minute's notice. How can a potential new relationship compete with such an intimate, long-established bond?
– Sons and dads too are often great companions, sharing hobbies and interests, maybe spending hours together over a joint love of sport, cars, etc. Some may work together and be best mates. A new girlfriend may be a major intrusion into the amount of time they usually choose to spend together. As with mothers and daughters, it can be tough to break away if the father is reluctant to step back and decides to come on strong with the guilt, loyalty or ‘why bother with him or her' card.
If you've started to realise how much you're struggling to make yourself available to date, accept that the change has to come from you. You need to determine what's going on or going wrong. Any new relationship requires effort, compromise and can sometimes feel like hard work.
If you're ultimately wanting to settle down, perhaps find a longtime companion, maybe start a family, some things may have to change. Being firmer and more assertive with some of your existing relationships may well be a step you'll have to take. You need to be prepared to do what it takes to make yourself mentally, physically and emotionally ready to meet someone who could fulfill you and satisfy your relationship needs. Then you'll be available to date!